he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I queefed so loud it echoed.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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