Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
