If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
