I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
