I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
