Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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