I wish they made helmets for livers.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
