It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
