I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
