I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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