2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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