it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
