Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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