The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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