I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
