I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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