yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
