He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
