What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
