Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
