a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
