We're like a lot better than the average bears
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
