I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
