Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
