cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
