I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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