his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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