Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
