I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
