You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
