in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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