Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize