i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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