It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
