i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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