dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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