you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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