Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
