Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize