Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize