how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
