she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
