grandma shit on top of the toilet
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
