If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
