____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
