i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize