she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
