I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
