Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
