I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
