i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
