Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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