I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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