Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
