so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
