My room smells like vodka and shame
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
