I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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