literally had 100 drinks last night.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
