I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
