before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
