Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
