At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
