Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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