she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
