smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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