peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
