How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
