I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
