i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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